Confidence-Building Mistakes Women Often Make (and What to Do Instead)

For years, I thought confidence was a finish line you reached and stayed at forever. One day, I would wake up, stride into my life like a Hollywood heroine, and never have to doubt myself again.

The reality is was a little different. It took a few years but eventually I understood that it is not how it works.

Confidence is more like a muscle. If you use it, it strengthens. If you ignore it, it weakens. And just like the gym, there are ways to waste time, overdo it, or work the wrong muscles altogether.

Here are the mistakes I see women make most often when trying to build self-confidence and the small shifts that actually work.

Mistake 1: Waiting to “Feel” Confident First
We think we need to feel confident before taking action.
“I’ll apply for that job when I feel ready.”
“I’ll speak up in meetings when I’m not nervous anymore.”

The truth? Confidence comes after the action, not before. If you wait until the nerves vanish, you’ll wait forever.

What to do instead:
Start small. Make a micro-move today, send an email, share an opinion, or introduce yourself to someone new. Let the proof stack up over time. Action creates evidence, and evidence creates belief.

Mistake 2: Measuring Yourself Against Everyone Else
We scroll, we compare, we shrink. Someone else is fitter, louder, richer, younger and suddenly we feel smaller.
The problem is, comparison is a moving target. There will always be someone ahead in one area.

What to do instead:
Anchor your progress to your own starting point. Ask, “Am I further ahead than I was three months ago?” That’s the only comparison that counts.

Mistake 3: Confusing Confidence with Extroversion
This is a big one for introverts. Many women assume they can’t be confident unless they’re outgoing, social, and “on” all the time. So they push themselves into rooms, roles, and rhythms that drain them.

What to do instead:
Redefine confidence on your terms. Quiet confidence is still confidence. It can be expressed through presence, calm decision-making, and clear boundaries. You don’t have to be the loudest in the room to own it.

Mistake 4: Chasing Perfection Instead of Progress
Perfectionism wears a clever disguise, it looks like “high standards,” but really it’s fear of getting it wrong. And nothing kills confidence faster than never letting yourself start.

What to do instead:
Set a “good enough” bar and hit it. You can always improve later. Small wins are what build self-trust, not flawless performances.

Mistake 5: Avoiding Discomfort
Confidence is built in the moments you stretch yourself. If you only operate inside your comfort zone, you never get the chance to prove you can handle more.

What to do instead:
Choose one small, uncomfortable action a week. Speak up first in a meeting. Post your opinion on social media. Politely disagree with someone. These micro-risks expand what feels possible.

Why It Matters
When you stop making these mistakes, you give yourself a realistic path forward. You learn that confidence isn’t an all-or-nothing trait, it’s a practice you build in small, repeatable ways. You remove the hidden roadblocks that keep you stuck. And that means you spend less time second-guessing and more time actually living the life you want.

Why Building Self-Confidence Can Feel Hard
Confidence work is emotional work. It asks you to examine your self-talk, your habits, your triggers and sometimes the stories you’ve believed for years. That’s uncomfortable. It’s much easier to buy a blazer, memorise a quote, and call it a day.

But surface fixes don’t last. True confidence is internal first, external second.

Everyday Example
Let’s say you’ve been holding back in team meetings. You don’t want to sound silly, so you keep your thoughts to yourself.
One day, you decide your micro-risk will be asking a clarifying question. It feels awkward at first, but then you notice other people nodding. Later, someone thanks you for raising it. That’s the moment you realise: confidence is built one small, deliberate act at a time.

Apply the Learning in Small Ways
Here’s your challenge for the next 7 days:

• Pick one mistake from the list that you recognise in yourself.
• Write down a single, doable action that flips it. For example:
• If you wait to feel confident: Send that email today.
• If you compare: Log your own progress from last quarter.
• If you avoid discomfort: Volunteer a small opinion in your next group setting.

Track what happens and how you feel. You’re building a record of evidence you can come back to.

Capture the Takeaway
Confidence isn’t something you “get” one day and keep forever. It’s something you build, protect, and strengthen through the choices you make. Avoid the traps, take the small steps, and watch how quickly things shift.