The Paradox of External Success and Internal Emptiness

Why having it all sometimes does not feel like enough and what to do about it.

You did everything right. You worked hard. You made smart choices. You built the life that was supposed to make you happy. Maybe it is the career. The relationship. The house. The carefully planned routines. Maybe you're still on your way, reaching, striving, preparing.

And yet…something inside feels off.

Not broken. Just hollow. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And more importantly, you’re not failing. You’re experiencing something  many women feel but rarely say out loud:
The paradox of external success and internal emptiness.

What the Research Says
This isn’t just personal, it’s human.

Psychologists call it the hedonic treadmill. The idea that we quickly adapt to positive changes and return to a baseline level of happiness. Promotions, purchases, achievements… they can bring a temporary high. But after a while, that high fades, and we’re left looking for the next thing.

Research by psychologist Tim Kasser shows that when we pursue extrinsic goals like wealth, status, or image, we often experience lower well-being, even when we achieve them. Why? Because these goals don’t connect to our authentic values or sense of meaning.

We spend years building a life we thought would feel fulfilling… only to realise it doesn’t feel like ours.

Why This Hits Women Especially Hard

Many women, especially in midlife, find themselves juggling roles they never paused to question: The achiever. The caregiver. The strong one. The peacemaker.

We are praised for holding it all together and quietly punished if we dare to say we’re tired of it. Even in younger women, the pressure to “have it all” comes at a cost:

A high-achieving job with no time for rest

A carefully curated image that hides real insecurity

A long list of goals… and no time to ask, “Do I even want this?”

Eventually, it catches up.
The routines stop feeling energising.
The goals feel like boxes to tick.
The joy disappears from the doing.

The Real Problem Isn’t What You’ve Built. It’s What You’ve Silenced

You didn’t fail. But you may have abandoned important parts of yourself along the way:
Your voice

• Your pace
• Your preferences
• Your values
• Your wild ideas that didn’t fit someone else’s definition of “enough”

Over time, this creates what researchers call disenfranchised grief. The silent mourning of the life you didn’t get to live. The self you edited down to stay acceptable. And yet, the world keeps rewarding your performance while your presence fades.

The Way Forward: From Performance to Self-Authorship

If you are looking to rectify this situation, you don’t need to start over. You don’t need to quit everything or burn it all down. But you do need to take the pen back. Living a self-authored life means asking the harder questions:

• Whose version of success am I living?
• What would I choose if I wasn’t performing for anyone?
• What parts of me have I silenced to keep everything running smoothly?

It also means shifting from the myth of reinvention to the reality of reconnection.
Because your real self isn’t lost. She’s been buried under shoulds.

What Helps?
Here are five small ways to start reconnecting with your inner voice whether you have “made it” or you’re still climbing:

Notice the Numbness
Boredom, resentment, envy - these aren’t failures. They’re feedback. They point to what needs attention, not shame.

Practice Solitude
As researcher Sherry Turkle says, true reflection begins in stillness. Spend time alone without distractions. Just you and your thoughts.

Identify Your Real Values
What energises you? What drains you? What have you compromised in the name of being liked or seen as responsible?

Create Micro-Experiments in Honesty
Try showing up just a little more honestly in one situation this week. Pay attention to what changes — inside and out.

Start Editing the Story
As psychologist Tim Wilson explains, “story editing” helps you shift the narrative. Instead of, “I always have to be the strong one,” try: “I am allowed to need support too.”

Final Thought

The truth is this:
You can build a successful life and still feel lost inside it. That doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re ready to stop performing and start choosing. If that resonates, you don’t need a new life. You need a new relationship with your own voice. You need authorship.

And the good news?

You don’t have to wait for rock bottom to begin. You can start with the next choice. The next sentence. The next honest moment.

Because this is your life. And it’s your turn to write it.