The Role of Self-Talk in Confidence (and How to Fix Yours)

If you have ever tried to build self-confidence while secretly running yourself down in your head, you will know it is like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom.

Your self-talk - the running commentary you have with yourself all day - can be the difference between showing up for your life or quietly stepping back. The tricky thing is, most of it happens without us noticing. We’ve repeated the same lines so often they’ve become background noise.

I know this because for years mine was on a constant loop:

• You’re not ready.
• She’s doing it better.
• Don’t get too confident — you’ll only get knocked down.

And here’s the thing: you can have all the tools, all the plans, all the opportunities in the world, but if you let that inner voice talk to you like a frenemy, your confidence will always have to fight uphill.

Why It Matters
Self-talk shapes the way you experience yourself. If the voice in your head is constantly criticising, questioning, or belittling you, it’s hard to believe you deserve to take up space. But when that voice is on your side, even imperfectly, it becomes your built-in coach, helping you keep going when things get tough.

Why Negative Self-Talk Can Be Hard to Shift
It feels familiar. You’ve heard it for so long it sounds like the truth.

It’s often borrowed. Many of our harshest lines come from parents, teachers, bosses, or partners who once said something that stuck.

It masquerades as “being realistic.” We tell ourselves we’re just being practical, when actually we’re preemptively shutting ourselves down.

Changing it means noticing it, questioning it, and this is the important part, replacing it.

Mistake 1: Thinking Self-Talk Doesn’t Matter
I have met women who will do all the outer work , e.g. the clothes, the networking, the skill-building but never touch the way they speak to themselves. They think confidence is about how you look to the world, not how you sound in your own head.
What to do instead: Treat your inner voice as a training ground. If you wouldn’t say it to your best friend, don’t say it to yourself.

Mistake 2: Trying to Jump Straight to “Positive Thinking”
If you go from “I’m useless” to “I’m amazing!” in one leap, your brain rejects it. You know you don’t believe it, so it feels fake.
What to do instead: Aim for neutral. Replace “I’ll never manage this” with “I’m learning how to do this.” That’s believable — and it moves you forward.

Mistake 3: Only Noticing the Voice When It’s Loud
Negative self-talk isn’t always dramatic. Sometimes it’s subtle — a quick “of course you messed that up” under your breath. Those little digs add up.
What to do instead: Keep a log for one day. Every time you catch yourself saying something negative — big or small — write it down. By the end of the day, you’ll see patterns.

Everyday Example
Let’s say you send a report with a minor mistake. Your automatic thought is: I’m so careless, I can’t believe I missed that.
The fix? Catch it in the moment and reframe: I missed that detail — I’ll double-check next time.
Same situation. Different tone. One fuels shame, the other fuels action.

Apply the Learning in Small Ways

Here’s your 5-day challenge:

Day 1–2: Simply notice your self-talk. Don’t change it yet, just get familiar with the phrases that come up most.

Day 3: Pick one recurring negative line and come up with a believable alternative.

Day 4–5: Use that alternative every time the old one appears.

By the end, you’ll have proof that you can catch and redirect your thoughts.

Why It Can Feel Hard to Keep Going
Changing self-talk isn’t about a quick switch. It’s about rewiring habits that have been in place for years. There will be days when the old voice wins. That’s normal. Self-confidence doesn’t require perfection, it requires persistence.

Capture the Takeaway
Your self-talk sets the tone for your confidence. Make it a voice that has your back. Even small changes in how you speak to yourself can ripple into the way you show up in conversations, decisions, and opportunities.

Your Next Step
Over the next week, pay attention to the tone of your inner voice. Ask yourself: Would I let someone else talk to me this way? If the answer is no, it’s time to rewrite the script.