How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others (and Start Living Your Own Life)

I wish I could tell you I have never fallen into the comparison trap, but that is not be true. I have stood in rooms where everyone seemed shinier, more accomplished, more certain of their place. And in those moments, I could feel my confidence shrink to the size of a borrowed coat that didn’t quite fit.

Here’s what I’ve learned — slowly, over years — about comparison: it’s not always loud. Sometimes it whispers. It slips into how you measure your progress, how you judge your choices, how you talk to yourself when no one’s around.

In my twenties, comparison showed up as “I should be further ahead by now.”

In my thirties, it was “Why can she handle it so easily when I’m struggling?”

By my forties, I recognized that comparison was a thief I should never entertain.

The thing is, there’s always someone doing more, earning more, looking like they’ve got it all figured out. But the truth is, you can’t see the parts of their life that aren’t polished for public view. You’re comparing your messy, in-progress reality to their highlight reel and that’s never a fair fight.

Why Our Brains Do This to Us

I used to think comparison was just a personal weakness like I wasn't confident enough or grateful enough. But it turns out our brains are literally wired for this. Psychologists call it social comparison theory, and it's actually how we figure out where we fit in the world.

The problem is, our ancestors compared themselves to maybe 50 people in their village. We're comparing ourselves to thousands of strangers' best moments every single day, thanks to social media. No wonder we feel like we're falling short.

Every scroll, every "look what I achieved" post, every success story sends the same message to our subconscious: *You're not enough yet.*

What It Cost Me

I didn't realize how much comparison was stealing from me until I started paying attention:

My confidence became completely external. Instead of trusting my own timeline, I'd panic if I wasn't keeping pace with people whose circumstances I knew nothing about. I stopped celebrating my wins. Got a freelance gig? Well, so-and-so just got a staff position. Finished a short story? That person just got published in a magazine I've never even heard of.

My energy went to watching instead of doing. I'd spend hours researching what "successful people" were up to instead of actually working on my own projects.

Worst of all, I started chasing goals that weren't even mine. 

The Shift That Changed Everything

Eventually, after completing my NLP training, I tried something different. Instead of asking "Am I doing as well as them?" I started asking "Am I doing better than I was six months ago?"

Thanks to my regular journaling activities I was able to look back and the answer surprised me. I had in fact achieved more than I had realized. When I stopped measuring my progress against other people's timelines, I could finally see my own.

Some Recent Examples

When a friend gets promoted, instead of spiraling about your own career, focus on a skill you want to develop that would make your current work more fulfilling.

If you see before-and-after fitness photos that make you feel terrible about your lack of exercise, stop looking, close the app and do something productive. Go for a walk. Is your comparison because you want to be fit? Take a small step towards making that happen.

If everyone your age seems to be buying their own house and you are still renting, don't feel bad or apologize for it. Appreciate the flexibility it gives you to take creative risks. Or to move and live wherever you choose.

Why This Works (And Why It's Hard)

When you stop measuring your worth against other people's timelines, something shifts. Your confidence stops being conditional on being "ahead" and starts being based on being aligned with yourself. You focus more on living with purpose.

This is harder than it sounds because it means giving up the easy metric of comparison. It's simple to know if you're winning when you're just trying to beat someone else. It's more complex to know if you're winning when you're trying to be true to yourself.

But that complexity is worth it. Because the confidence that comes from self-alignment is steady. It doesn't disappear when someone else succeeds. It doesn't require anyone else to fail for you to feel good about yourself.

A Practice To Keep Coming Back To

When comparison hits write down exactly what triggered it. Then ask yourself: "What does this reveal about what I want?"

Usually, buried under the feelings that comparison has evoked is information about your own desires that you have been ignoring.

Then write one small step you can take this week toward your own version of that thing. Not their exact path but your version.

That way you turn comparison into a compass instead of a trap.

The Question That Will Keep You Honest

A great question to focus you in on what you want for yourself: "If no one could see what I was doing, what would I still choose to pursue?"

The answer tells you everything you need to know about whether you are living your life or performing someone else's idea of what your life should look like.

Nowadays, I am living mine. And it feels like coming back to myself.