Understand: Finding the ‘Why’ Beneath the Reaction
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When emotions run high, it is tempting to deal only with the surface, what was said, what was done. But the U in PAUSE - Understand - is about digging deeper. It’s where you ask, What’s really going on here?
Understanding is about stepping out of the swirl of your reaction and into a place of curiosity. It’s pausing long enough to see the situation in context, uncover patterns you might be repeating, and notice the real driver behind your feelings. Without this insight, you may end up solving the wrong problem—or worse, repeating it.
Why Understanding Matters
If you don’t understand the root of your reaction:
- You risk fixing the wrong problem.
- Old patterns keep replaying.
- You react based on past wounds, not present facts.
- When you take time to understand:
- You address the cause, not just the symptoms.
- Your responses become calmer and more targeted.
- You build self-awareness that pays off in every area of life.
How to Practice Understanding
1. Ask Better Questions
Swap “Why is this happening to me?” for “What is this really about?” or “What’s the smallest thing I could do to help right now?”
2. Check the Timeline
Is your reaction about this moment—or does it echo something from the past?
Sometimes the present pokes an old bruise.
3. Zoom Out
Picture yourself stepping back from the scene, like a director watching the action.
From that distance, what do you notice that you couldn’t see up close?
Common Challenges
“I don’t want to dig into this—it’ll be uncomfortable.”
Growth often starts in discomfort. You can choose to explore at your own pace.
“I don’t have time to analyse everything.”
Understanding doesn’t require hours. Even 30 seconds of curiosity can change your next move.
An NLP Boost for Understanding
In NLP, curiosity is a powerful state. Use a physical cue—like touching your chin or tilting your head—to signal your brain it’s time to explore rather than judge. Over time, this becomes a shortcut into a problem-solving mindset.
Everyday Example
A colleague interrupts you in a meeting, and you feel a flash of irritation. Instead of snapping, you pause and ask yourself: “Is this about them… or about me feeling overlooked?” You realise you’ve been sensitive to this since a recent promotion you didn’t get. Now you can address the real source of tension.
Everyday Example (Life-Related)
You promised yourself you will start going for evening walks, but you have skipped them three nights in a row. Instead of telling yourself you’re lazy, you dig deeper and realize you have been going to bed too late and feel too tired after work. With that insight, you shift your walks to mornings on the weekends when you have more energy and suddenly, the habit sticks.
Your Turn to Try
When you feel triggered today, take one breath and ask: “What’s this really about?” See if the answer surprises you.
Want the full PAUSE framework?
This article is part of the PAUSE: Five Words That Can Change How You Handle Any Problem series. Download the free guide and learn all five steps—Pause, Accept, Understand, Strengthen, and Evolve. Embrace empowered living. Read the full PAUSE framework . Download it below.
